It's a glorious day in York. This afternoon I strolled into the city centre to do a bit of shopping. Here are a few messages to some of the people I encountered there.
To the chubby, red skirted, woman in her mid forties who walked into me in Borders:
Why do you think it is a good idea, when browsing a bookshelf, to suddenly walk six feet backwards? Is walking backwards ever a good idea? What purpose does it serve? Can you see backwards? Did it cross your mind to apologise to me for thrusting your flabby bottom into my left leg? Does your bottom have so much padding to protect you from many backward walking accidents?
To the quite respectable looking middle aged man in Marks and Spencer, who failed to place the next customer baton onto the conveyor belt, and then stood between me and it, causing me to move him to retrieve it and put it down myself.
As you know, I also put a baton down behind my shopping for the lady following me and she thanked me. When I turned to you and said, "That's how the non-sociopathic customers interact with each other" you were not meant to laugh, you were meant to learn.
To the young lady sunbathing in the Museum gardens:
I apologise. I thought I was wearing sunglasses.
To the family of four astonishingly fat tourists who chose to walk four abreast along a narrow, crowded street:
You lumbering ninnies! Do you believe that everyone else in the world should veer out of your path so that you may trudge along unerringly? You may have the turning circle of an aircraft carrier and the agility of a sizable anvil but you could at least make an effort. Try walking in single file, you'll only take up two thirds of the width of the street then and less people will hate you. Also, why were you all wearing giant training shoes, who are you trying to kid?
To the girl in the pink t-shirt and denim skirt walking along Parliament Street with her arms folded:
Why? What's the point of walking like that? Do you have any idea how stupid it makes you look? You need your arms free to aid balance and to fend off other stupid pedestrians. How is it possible that you have reached your twenties and haven't learned to walk yet? I don't know what sort of animal has permanently folded arms but I'd like to know if you were raised by such a creature. No? Walk properly then.
I feel so much better now. I'm off to have a bath and daydream about becoming a hermit.