Wife-or-Cat Sound.

I invented a new game earlier: It's called Wife-or-Cat Sound. It's not as good as Red Trousers, but then what is?

To play Wife-or-Cat Sound you will need three things:  A wife - don't worry if you don't have one one of these, any other person will do - a cat - don't worry if you don't have one of these either, another animal (or even a second person will suffice) - and a bathroom.

Draw yourself a bath, then disrobe and get into it.  When you have completed your usual bathing routine, stay in the bath.  While you're lying there, listen to the noises emanating from the rest of the house (or flat, or wherever it is that you live).  When you hear a sound, try to discern - in the first half second of hearing it - whether it is a Wife-or-Cat Sound (it's surprisingly difficult - I attributed the noise of the cat's scratching-post to my wife more than once).

Wife-or-Cat Sound has a points-based scoring system.  Award yourself five points for correctly-attributed sounds and take five points away for incorrectly-attributed sounds.  The winner is the person who realises that they should get out of the bath and go to the pub.

Fairytale of New York

Drunken singing is not as easy as you might expect. Shane MacGowan makes it look effortlessly easy, but he's an expert; he performs drunk all of the time. Look what happens when this amateur attempts it though. It's just not as slick, somehow.

John Pienaar Impersonates a Turkey

Strange... 5Live just keeps suggesting posts for me.  Here's another one I heard in the bath.

A...er...y'know...Video

Errr...Help!

I just checked my mobile and found a text message on it from 14:30:

Did you get my text hun ? Im waitin for you at yours but need to get back before four ! X

I'll resist criticising the woeful spelling and punctuation and concentrate on the message itself.  I don't know who it's from, the number isn't in my phone and I don't recognise it.  This means that the person possibly sent the text to the wrong number.  The sender seems unsure as to whether I have received a prior text (I haven't) so it's possible that the sender is a serial wrong-numberer.

The sender is, according to the text, in my house.  I have scoured the house.  There are no additional strange people here.  Again, this points to a wrong number.

The texter addresses me as "hun" - I assume that this is an abbreviation of honey, not a war-film related pet-name - and ends the message with a kiss (a capital one).  From this, I can only deduce that the sender is a woman.

The general tone of the text is both intriguing and revealing; the woman is, according to her, waiting at mine, but needs to hurry away within an hour and a half.  This screams extramarital assignation, which is odd, as I'm not involved in any illicit dalliances.

There are two possible conclusions that can be drawn here.  Either this is a wrong number, or I'm having an affair that I'm not aware of.

I'm not sure what to do now.  Should I ignore the message?  Should I reply?  If I send a reply, what should it be?  Please advise me via the comments section.  I will act upon the best advice.

Bye Bye Blue Bear

Sometimes, as an adult, you have to be mature, grown up, and responsible.  You are obligated to be dutiful and conscientious.  You may not like it, but that's the way it is.  You may have to make sacrifices for the next generation and, no matter how hard it is - how great your forfeiture - you'll probably not be thanked, or even recognised, for it.

So it is today; with moist eye and heavy heart, it is time for me to say goodbye to the Blue Bear (as I have come to call him).  So long, old chum.  It's been a great couple of weeks since we bought you in anticipation of my nephew's birth.  If my sister hadn't given birth twelve days late, our parting would never have been as hard as this.  Bye Bye Blue Bear, I hope Benjamin takes good care of you.

Mad Men

My obsession with Mad Men is seemingly boundless and now I'm in it, courtesy of this excellent site.  You too can "Mad Men yourself".  Feel free to send me the results and I'll add them to the post.