Howard Hughes, you were right.

It's a glorious day in York. This afternoon I strolled into the city centre to do a bit of shopping. Here are a few messages to some of the people I encountered there.

To the chubby, red skirted, woman in her mid forties who walked into me in Borders:

Why do you think it is a good idea, when browsing a bookshelf, to suddenly walk six feet backwards? Is walking backwards ever a good idea? What purpose does it serve? Can you see backwards? Did it cross your mind to apologise to me for thrusting your flabby bottom into my left leg? Does your bottom have so much padding to protect you from many backward walking accidents?

To the quite respectable looking middle aged man in Marks and Spencer, who failed to place the next customer baton onto the conveyor belt, and then stood between me and it, causing me to move him to retrieve it and put it down myself.

As you know, I also put a baton down behind my shopping for the lady following me and she thanked me. When I turned to you and said, "That's how the non-sociopathic customers interact with each other" you were not meant to laugh, you were meant to learn.

To the young lady sunbathing in the Museum gardens:

I apologise. I thought I was wearing sunglasses.

To the family of four astonishingly fat tourists who chose to walk four abreast along a narrow, crowded street:

You lumbering ninnies! Do you believe that everyone else in the world should veer out of your path so that you may trudge along unerringly? You may have the turning circle of an aircraft carrier and the agility of a sizable anvil but you could at least make an effort. Try walking in single file, you'll only take up two thirds of the width of the street then and less people will hate you. Also, why were you all wearing giant training shoes, who are you trying to kid?

To the girl in the pink t-shirt and denim skirt walking along Parliament Street with her arms folded:

Why? What's the point of walking like that? Do you have any idea how stupid it makes you look? You need your arms free to aid balance and to fend off other stupid pedestrians. How is it possible that you have reached your twenties and haven't learned to walk yet? I don't know what sort of animal has permanently folded arms but I'd like to know if you were raised by such a creature. No? Walk properly then.

I feel so much better now. I'm off to have a bath and daydream about becoming a hermit.


Simon said...

I feel your pain Marc. This morning I had a loud woman talking on her phone block my progress by standing on the walking side of the escalator.

Marc said...

Did you kill her?

Simon said...

I'm a pacifist so I just said "excuse me" loudly and then glared at her as I walkedpast but if looks could kill...

Bri said...

I feel your pain!

People who walk slowly at rush hour- AGGGHHHH
People who block doorways- AGGHHHHHH
People who dont move out the way when you need to get off the train AGGGGHHHH
People with buggies on public transport AGGGHHHHH
People who use the word 'draw' when they mean Drawer AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

I could go on but I wont. I feel your pain.

Jonathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marc said...

Simon, if looks could kill then Andrew Lloyd-Webber would be the richest professional assassin in the world.

Bri, I feel you feeling my pain.

Jon, I believe you mean Jolly Interesting-esque, and I am so angry about your comment that I'm not going to respond to it fully now. I can only imagine that some sort of aberration on your part has caused you to cross the Kennedy line in this manner.

sparkymarky1973 said...

I am liking this post verrily much and considering writing my own messages to people I have encountered on my next Blog post! I think we have a similar perspective on the world....lol!

Jonathan said...

This is quite Jolly Interesting-esque. But mildly amusing.

Marc said...

Thanks Sparkymarky1973, as your favourite film is Blade Runner it would appear we do have quite similar perspectives on things. Which do you prefer, the original or the directors cut?

Marc said...

Jonathan, you've had sufficient opportunity now to man-up and apologise for, explain, or justify your remark, and I'm still waiting. What am I to make of your (now corrected) assertion that this item is "Jolly Interesting-esque"? Are you trying to imply plagiarism on my part? Are you attempting to insinuate that my piece is derivative?

I've been through your previous posts and can assure you that there's nothing similar in either subject, or tone, in your blog. If I've missed something please let me know.

I can let you know the main influences for this piece. While I would describe myself as having a liberal (actually, I'm something of a libertine) outlook, I occasionally find that other people's lack of manners, awareness, sense, and utter inability to interact successfully with their fellow man lead me to become unreasonably angry. In my post I was sending both them, and myself, up. Some of these subjects are recurring themes for me, as friends who've had similar conversations with me will be able to testify.

Stylistically, the piece was influenced by my love of the epistolic form as a literary device and by this post that I read on a website a couple of years ago:


That post stayed with me, the disproportionate rage expressed within it and the sheer unreasonableness of the opinions were what I used as a model for my post, I wanted to create a sense of an escalating and increasingly irrational rage.

As far as I can see, Jonathan, the only similarities between this post and any of the posts on your blog are that it uses words in an attempt to be humorous, and that the writing style is technically similar to the cat that you interviewed a few weeks ago.

Jonathan said...

I just meant it was funny.

Marc said...

Jonathan, is that the most egomaniacal expression of comedic appreciation ever? In that case I forgive you, in a manner that Saint Maria Goretti would envy.

Jonathan said...

In years to come all comedy will be judged against Jolly Interesting Stuff.

Marc said...

Favourably, I hope.

Jonathan said...

Goes without saying.