In commentary on the England - Croatia match this evening, Clive Tyldesley stated that the magnificent Emile Heskey "...is as strong as an ox". That sounds strong, I thought, but it doesn't really quantify Emile Heskey's strength. Obviously Clive Tyldesley knows how strong an ox is, which is lovely for him. That didn't really help me though. Am I, an urban-dwelling 21st Century sports fan, supposed to know what this means? Is knowledge of the strength of an ox something that most of the audience possess?
In order to discover how strong Emile Heskey is, I consulted the 1958 Encyclopedia Britannica. I got sidetracked by owls for quite a while but once I got back to the task in hand I learned that Ox is, when used correctly, the Saxon name for male domestic cattle. It is often used, less correctly, to include all bovine animals including oxen, bison and buffaloes. I don't know if Clive Tyldesley was using the word ox correctly or incorrectly, and I don't know how strong any of these animals are either, so this was not helpful.
I decided to try a more contemporary approach and asked the internet how strong an ox is. Yahoo Answers yielded these responses:
"id say weaker than an ox stronger than a turkey larger than a microwave lives in the ocean"
"cool question, dunno pretty strong i imagine."
"ermmmm about as strong as.......erm an ox? haha this is what u think about in ur spare time? just take it as its strong"
This was voted to be the best answer:
"Strong enough to kill you i hope"
I found this more entertaining than the 1958 Encyclopedia Britannica, though less informative. Clearly researching the strength of an ox was going to get me nowhere. I know as little about how strong Emile Heskey is than when I started. What I have learned is that the soft plumage of the owl is the key to their hunting success (it makes their flight almost silent) and that people on the internet are really weird and can't punctuate.
If you know how strong an ox is, please let me know via the comments section.
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7 comments:
Interesting this evening I was watching world championship ploughing on Eurosport and the commentator said that the magnificent Gerald (who is a Zebu or Bos primigenius indicus) was "as strong as Emile Heskey".
Incidentally the commentator was Ray Stubbs, oh how the mighty have fallen.
An Ox is about as strong as 7,609,816,218 Oxo Cubes. I now have one heck of a mess to clean up. Thanks.
Simon, I am disappointed that the magnificent Gerald isn't The Magnificent Gerald (a magician) and is, in fact, a cow-type creature. They look quite strong though.
A friend of mine - on the phone to me at the time - saw Ray Stubbs in the garden of a London hotel. "Ray Stubbs just walked past", he exclaimed. The silence that followed indicated that neither of us were sure what to do with that information. Little did we know that two years later I would have the chance to recall this riveting Ray Stubbs anecdote in the comments section of my blog. Thanks Simon.
Jonathan, thanks for your dogged approach to answering this important question and your innovative approach to solving it. I'm sure we're all relieved that Clive Tyldesley didn't compare Emile Heskey's strength to that of a sperm whale.
But you just have. Where can I buy a bulk load of plastic tubs?
I'm not sure, Jon. I just checked the internet for sperm donation equipment and though informative, the results were not of much practical use. Do they have to be plastic?
Glass will do the trick.
Paul Daniels will do a trick. I'm not sure that performing tricks should be the criteria for choosing a sperm receptacle.
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